Cellphones Make Malthusians Happy

Good news from the cellphone front gave Thomas Malthus's Gloomy Gus ideology another hit today. Dr. Devra Lee Davis, and I use the term "Dr." loosely, tries to scare us in her book Disconnect into thinking that the microwave radiation that cellphones emit is dangerous to American humans, especially babies. When was the last time you saw a baby talking on a cellphone? We had a similar radiation scares in the 50's and 60's. Remember Godzilla and "Duck and Cover?" Well, sorry to say, most of us are still here. We ducked and covered, and no paper mache Japanese monster or invisible waves or anything else made us glow in the dark. We are Americans. We are survivors. So, Dr. Davis and assorted Swedes, don't try to scare us now with this cellphone radiation crap.

The worst that a little microwave radiation could do would be to kill a few weaklings and improve our gene pool, making us more resistant to microwaves. Some of the ridiculous safety regulations burdening the microwave oven industry could be removed. Another benefit would be an additional constraint upon the population, removing primarily those who aren't fit to be here. It would also decrease some liberals' perceived need to have abortions. If your pregnancy has you upset, don't go rushing to the abortion doctor; just be patient and give your baby a cellphone. If your kid is strong, he will survive, and you'll be happy you didn't abort the little bugger, who will be there to support you when there is no more Social Security. The survival of the strong will improve the quality of our population and maybe even solve the concussion problem many of the weaker NFL players are whining about. Better people will mean thicker skulls, firmer, more entrenched brains and, consequently, less squishing around upon impact. The strengthening of the American person through cellphone use is sure to have other positive benefits, but I will not go into these now, because I am not a doctor yet.

Considering all the positive benefits of cellphone radiation, we should not have a left knee jerk reaction to a problem that doesn't exist. There is no need for big governmental regulation. We must use the legislative machinery sparingly, only to protect society's most vulnerable, like the unborn and corporations. For example, there is no need for a law to prevent a parent from giving a cellphone to a baby, but pregnant mothers should not be permitted to attempt abortions by holding cellphones against their bellies. This is nothing more than common sense and compassionate Conservatism at its best.

The only problematic aspect of this issue is what we should do about those who have an adverse reaction to cellphones but are too strong to die quickly. The following short video offers a possible solution.