Photobucket
Photobucket

Friday, January 29, 2010

Monsanto GMO Maize a Winner

Jerry Steiner, Executive Vice President of Sustainability and Corporate Affairs, opened the American Farm Bureau Federation's annual meeting by stating, "We see the need for an 80 percent increase in food production that the world is going to need to feed about nine billion people in 2050, versus the six and a half or so billion people we have today. Soybean and corn production will have to at least double to meet the imminent drastic increase in demand for Big Macs and Whoppers.  That's premised on the fact that people around the world are increasing their incomes, and one of the first things people do when they increase their income is improve the quality of their diet. That’s what we’ve been seeing out of Asia over the last several years.

"To increase the world population from six and a half to nine billion in the space of just forty years, people are going to need a lot of energy. The Asians, heretofore quite prolific when unrestrained, are going to have to do their part, so they'd better change their diet. Right now they are eating a lot of things like rice, fish balls, and scorpions. Inscrutable people, but they appear to be capable of learning. Before looking into this matter, I didn't even know that fish had balls, but I know that they can't be either as tasty or nutritious as a good old Big Mac. Our new genetically modified maize is as prolific as a Chinaman, and cows love it.  Meat production around the world will take off, and soon everyone will eat like an American. I can't help thinking that the primitive people of the world are lucky we discovered them before they starved.

“What we’re aiming to achieve is very much a designer approach with breeding that we can then complement with specific genes from biotechnology. We look at breeding as largely creating potential inside a seed. That potential then goes into the plant, then into the animal that eats it, and finally into you, a chain of increasing potentiality, a beautiful thing.  Some Swedes and Greenpeace hippies have complained that eating some of our genetically modified maize 'could result in damage to the liver and kidneys.' The 'unusual concentrations of hormones and other compounds' they found in the blood and urine of the rats they tested really was no more than you would find in your average professional football player.  And look how those guys run around and knock each other over and then get up and dance and run around again.  Big, dancing Energizer Bunnies. So, see, there really is nothing to worry about unless you don't want your kids to grow up as big, strong and healthy as football players and as ready to reproduce as bunnies.”

Mr. Steiner then presented Ralph the Rat, one of Monsanto's own test rats, to show how healthy he was after eating Monsanto's designer maize for the first six months of his life.  He had quite an impressive physique and looked as healthy as an offensive tackle.



There is no reason I can find to fall for the leftist propaganda unfairly impugning Monsanto's fine new product, a product that promises to assist in adding two and a half billion Big Mac munching people to our planet in the next forty years.  Let us be fruitful and multiply with Monsanto's help. Therefore, I must give this product a "thumbs up."  Bon appetit.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

FBI Questions Trigger Involvement in Alleged Cryer Hit Plan

Two days ago "Crimesider" reported that the FBI had been investigating an allegation that Jon Cryer, costar of "Two and a Half Men," made against his ex-wife, Sarah Trigger.  Cryer has stated that Trigger hired a hit man to kill him.  Ryan Smith reported, "Cryer and Trigger went through what has been described as a very bitter divorce and are involved in a custody fight....Vicki Greene, a lawyer for Trigger, denies that her client had any involvement."  Ryan wrote that Ms. Greene said, "The allegations are ridiculous.  Look at Jon and look at my client.  She could kick his ass all by herself. She not only outweighs him by a substantial amount, but he's obviously a wimp.  Don't you watch the show?"  Ryan said he didn't, that "Heroes" and "24" are on at the same time and his VCR can only tape one while he's watching the other.

FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper, who is heading the investigation, also said he doesn't watch the show but that he agrees Trigger probably could kick Jon's ass all by herself.  Even so, he's looking into the allegations and is waiting for the dwarf who regularly appears in his dreams to give him further direction.  He said he'd also like to interview Bob Sheen, who currently is involved in the ongoing situation between his parents, Charlie and Brooke.  Agent Cooper saw a tape of Jon, Bob, and Trigger at last year's Emmy Awards and, "things just didn't look right" to him.
He added that he's having a hard time finding a good cup of coffee in the Burbank area but that the pie is fine.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Family Study Threatens Traditional Marriage

A recent Journal of Marriage and Family study "argues that 'fatherless' children are not necessarily at a disadvantage and that men do not provide a different set of parenting skills than women." The study found that two mothers tended to play with their children more than a traditional mother and father would. This is fine if you want your children to grow up thinking that play is important. Unfortunately, playing with your children will not put the fear of God into them or give them the proper respect for authority.

Also, the secular scientists responsible for the study minimized certain aspects that any Biblically grounded scientist would have considered important. For example, they brushed aside as unimportant the finding that boys raised by two mothers tended frequently "to get the shit beat out of them because they threw like girls." Also, since two mothers did not physically discipline their children as often as any proper father would, their daughters were less likely to recognize the natural, God-given supremacy of males, diminishing their chances of getting married. Two-mother sons experienced debilitating confusion when traditionally-raised boys beat them for throwing like girls because they didn't know which mother to go running to. Sometimes they just fell down in a state of catatonic confusion. Also, lesbians tended to raise boys who, as men, experienced unnatural multiple orgasms and persistently talked about their feelings for up to several minutes after each one whether or not anyone else was present.

When two fathers raise girls there are less severe drawbacks, with 67.2% of daughters suffering from OCRD, number 2184 of The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM). This Obsessive Compulsive Disorder compels the sufferer to repeatedly redecorate her environment while singing show tunes. It usually is more annoying than dangerous unless heavy furniture, such as a grand piano, is present, in which case the sufferer may try to move and play the piano at the same time. This can be fatal. Xanax has been used to treat OCRD successfully. One side effect, unfortunately, is death.

I can conclude only that more studies are necessary before we decide that two mothers or two fathers can replace the traditional father-mother family. However, even if further studies show that two mothers or two fathers have, on average, parenting skills superior to those of a heterosexual couple, we should ignore them because, if we don't, God will punish us, and then where will we be? Haiti?

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Texting? Don't Walk; Drive.

Today's New York Times contained an article as disturbing as any I've read recently. It seems that "slightly more than 1,000 pedestrians visited emergency rooms in 2008 because they got distracted and tripped, fell or ran into something while using a cellphone to talk or text. That was twice the number from 2007, which had nearly doubled from 2006, according to a study conducted by Ohio State University, which says it is the first to estimate such accidents."  My gut reactions to this report were first, denial, then grief, anger, and acceptance.  These stages were not followed by the usual obliviousness, and I continue to accept that we all should be more careful about when we use our cellphones. 

Most people would agree that walking is a more simple task than driving.  Many of us learn to walk before we learn to drive.  Therefore, if using a cellphone impairs our ability to do a simple task, does it not impair to an even greater extent our ability to do one that is more complex?  "Perhaps," you might say.  But you would only say this if you had not thought about it first.  Americans, particularly Republicans, are filled with complex ideas.  Listen in on any cellphone conversation.  You hear only one side of it, but more often than not you will be able to tell that you have chanced upon some deep philosophical, scientific, or religious discussion.  Even if you are witness to gossip, the topic matter usually will be about, say, some acquaintance's existential angst due to her perusal of the thinness of the atmosphere in relation to the vastness of outer space and the possibility that precious air is getting sucked out through holes made by mankind's rockets. 

Now, the part of the brain that deals with simple matters such as walking is not too swift.  It needs to concentrate on what it is doing.  So your engagement in a complex discussion will suck blood and electricity from the simple area into the complex area, causing impairment in your ability to engage in tasks like walking.  However, if, while talking or texting on your cellphone, you get into your car to drive, the brain's complex center already is engaged.  The brain shuttle system (BSS) does not have to shift resources away from another area, like the simple one that controls your walking.  This is one reason why, if you must talk or text while eating, you should dine on something complicated, like lobster or a Chicago-style hot dog with the works. It is also why you could text, eat lobster, and drive at the same time without posing any danger to either yourself or others.  Just make sure that you finish eating and texting before you arrive at your destination and have to walk.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Sarah Palin, Innovator


"Dedicated to building America's future, supporting fresh ideas and candidates who share our vision for reform and innovation," Sarah Palin's official PAC has hit the ground running. Even though there are many wonderful potential Republican Presidential candidates to consider, Ms. Palin's PAC gives us fast food for thought. "SarahPAC believes America's best days are ahead. Our country, founded on conservative principles and the fight for freedom, must confront the challenges of the 21st century with integrity, innovation, and determination."

Opposing the dogmatic scientific elite that has gotten a leg up on our neck, Ms. Palin, with integrity and determination, offers to defend the conservative principles of this nation. Even though the founding fathers did not mention God in the Constitution, we are well aware that they meant God to be the Rock upon which the Republic rests. Do not ask us how we know. It is simple. We just know. We believe. They were Christians. We are Christians. Could the connection or their intention be be any more clear?

Ms. Palin realizes that we must innovate in order to compete with the Chinese, Indians, Italians and other non-Christians who, if they gain greater economic power, might use it to threaten our freedom. Living right next door to the Russians, she literally can see that their brand of Christianity really is un-American, even though she gives them credit for trying. She heartily disagrees with the elite's view that Christian beliefs would stifle progress. Did they prevent us from inventing the dinosaur saddle?
Did they make us think that a square wheel would be better than the one we invented? Believing in the literal Word of God, Christains innovated and then innovated some more, coming up not only with the saddle, the wheel, and the Ark, but with atomic bombs, video games, ShamWow, and countless other great inventions in the 6,000 or so years since we were kicked out of the Garden.

As you can see, Christianity does not impede innovation. It is the Lord's spark that ignites the creative imagination, keeping us ahead of the elite, secular science - embracing foreigners. If we want to maintain our scientific lead, we must prevent these secularists from poisoning our scientific progress with their unfounded beliefs. Just yesterday a marine dinosaur ate a tourist off the coast of Cape Town, South Africa, prompting Ms. Palin to state, "This is proof that man and dinosaurs have coexisted and that dinosaurs do not have feathers. South Africa is our ally, so I think I'll get my wolf hunting plane and go down there and bust a cap in that dinosaur's ass, pick him up before he gets fossilized, and show all you secularists who like to date carbon that Christian Science is the only way to understand the world and the universe that revolves around us."

Amen.

Monday, January 4, 2010

New Evidence Looking Good for Charlie Sheen


Charlie Sheen has returned to Hollywood to continue work on his hit TV show, "Two And A Half Men," while his wife, Brooke Mueller, will remain in Aspen with their adorable twin sons, Bob and Max.

An unnamed source close to the Aspen police department said that a possible motive for Mr. Sheen's alleged actions may have surfaced. Sheen has stated that the previous administration covered up evidence in the investigation of 9/11. The source said, "Brooke's a real George Bush fan and was pissed off at Charlie trying to get him. Bob and Max are real close to her and mind her more than anybody else. Them two are cute as little bunnies to look at, but they're no angels.
Max is a real loner, always ridin' around on his bike actin' mad about somethin' or other, and Bob's always hidin' and jumpin' out at kids with a rubber knife, scarin' the bejesus out of em. Hell, when the cops first got the call and heard it was a knife incident they thought Bob did it." He added that there is evidence that Brooke and her sons coerced Mr. Sheen into watching episodes of "Jersey Shore," resulting in his disorientation, drug use, and subsequent unusually deranged actions. There's also evidence that Bob gave his father the knife.

Paul Krugman agreed that the Bush family's involvement in the incident should be considered, since Mr. Sheen played a large part in the expansion of the economy during Bill Clinton's administration. It is common knowledge that Sheen's business activities with Heidi Fleiss in the early 1990's pumped enough liquidity into the economy to help pull it out of the doldrums, which, we all know, were not caused by the administrations of Ronald Reagan or George Herbert Walker Bush. However, many Democrats and other left-leaning ideologues did not see it that way, and some went so far as to blame the Elder Bush for the deficit, among other things, even though large deficits really are not such a bad thing.

This undeserved blame and the diminution of the deficit under Bill Clinton so angered the elder Bush's son, George W., that the younger Bush decided to make his own run for President. A winner, George W. not only restored the deficit, but he had one bigger than his father's. In addition to that, he got even with Saddam Hussein for that barbarian's unsuccessful attempt on the Elder Bush's life. W could have done no more to gain the love and respect of his father. So it is easy to see why he would feel crushed when his father started hanging around with Bill Clinton and taking him places he should have been taking his own son. The Aspen police are working on the theory that W might have been trying to get even with Charlie Sheen for disrespecting his father and helping Bill Clinton save the economy (even though we all know that Clinton did nothing good for the economy), driving a wedge into the heart of the Bush clan.

Charlie Sheen is not yet off the hook, but it's looking better for him every day. Let's hope that this incident doesn't adversely affect his performance in "Two And A Half Men." And for the sake of W and the alleged co-conspirators, let's pray that the interrogations of Brooke, Max, and Bob are not informed by W's views on torture.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Napolitano Must Go

My neck still hurts from reading the January 1, 2010 New York Times editorial "Why Didn't They See It," concerning our failure to find the bomb in Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab's underwear. Nodding vigorously in agreement with such a surprisingly accurate analysis always hurts physically as much as it lifts intellectually. Well, maybe it doesn't lift intellectually so much as puff egotistically, since it merely confirms my own analysis. If it didn't agree with what I already thought, how else could I instantly have recognized its accuracy? Unless, of course, I saw it on Fox News.

The Times is correct in concluding that the government failed to connect the dots. Thanks to George W. Bush, we now are awash in dots. He, in fact, created a great wall of dots to protect us, except for the unfortunate incident on 9/11. But we can't blame him for that, because he hardly had time to clear the brush to prepare for construction of the wall. Many who voted for Barack Obama hoped that he was fired up and ready to connect the dots, reinforcing the great wall of protection. They were wrong.

Instead, he appointed Janet Napolitano, governor of Arizona, to be the Secretary of Homeland Security. Fox News has reported that 73% of Mexicans believe that Arizona is part of Mexico and that 68% of the remaining 49% believe that even though it is part of the United States, there are no restrictions on immigration in spite of the existence of the wall. Why the President thought that a governor who could not convince foreigners that her state was not part of their country could coordinate connection of the dots is not clear.

In spite of Ms. Napolitano's fecklessness, Abdulmutallab's plot went awry, altering both him and the outcome. If Ms. Napolitano were a police chief, Republicans, Democrats, and even Greens would question the sanity of anyone saying she should be fired for not preventing the near or even successful commission of a crime, which, in hindsight, appeared to be predictable. Ditto for a general not being able to avoid a battle.

But the security of the Homeland is different. Terrorist attacks against the Homeland are neither crimes nor acts of war, and at the same time they are crimes AND acts of war. Crimes scare us, especially when people like Willie Horton commit them. Acts of war scare us. Terrorist attacks therefore doubly scare us, since the relationship obviously is linear. 1+1=2. This is where connecting the dots comes in. The shortest distance between two points is a line. When we are doubly scared, failing to connect dots, thereby failing to head the terrorists off at the pass (Where is Ronald Reagan when we need him?) is something we cannot forgive.

To protect us, we need people who are able to draw lines. Where are these people? My best guess is the art world. Architects draw straight lines, but they use rulers, which places their true ability in doubt, even though I'd be willing to debate this fine point. It's time for Barack Obama to really get fired up. Let him take an imaginative leap, recognizing that since most of us can predict the past, it should not be so hard to find some among us who can simply turn around, look the other way, and predict the future by connecting the dots, something that we can expect neither military nor law enforcement people, much less politicians, to do. Since none have been very successful so far, why not turn to our artists and place them in charge of protecting us.

We never will be able to prevent all or even most crimes. In a conventional war, we cannot prevent all battles, otherwise, by definition, we would not be in a war. But we must prevent all terrorist attacks. We are Americans. We are afraid. Let us dare to be bold. Deploy the artists!

Friday, January 1, 2010

A Texas-Size Mistake at Tech

Texas Tech University fired its head football coach, Mike Leach, on Wednesday, December 30, 2009, a day that will live in infamy. One of Coach Leach's players has alleged that after the player sustained a mild concussion, disabling him for regular practice, the coach made him choose between standing in a small, dark enclosure or leaving the team. The school did not explain how this irregular practice damaged the young, fit, albeit slightly concussed, football player.

Granted, standing in a dark enclosure is not a regular form of practice for any football team that I am aware of, but if you were to poll a representative sample of college football players, I'd be willing to bet that most of them would consider such an activity to be far less rigorous than their regular practices. My only objection to it would be that it is too Buddhistically peace inspiring and might cause a red-blooded young American male to step meditatively from the darkness onto the eightfold path to enlightenment instead of onto the onefold path to kick his opponents' asses.

This is one reason groups like Al Qaeda laugh at us. We've become a collection of couch turnips, scared to do anything as dangerous as standing in a dark closet for a couple of hours and unfit for any activities but watching TV, twittering, and tweeting. Are we men or birds? You might say, “I am a man with a birdbrain, and what my muscles lack in definition my HDTV more than makes up for, and that's the way I like it.”

“This," I would reply, “is not only not funny, but it is not true.”

The people who wish to destroy us do think it is funny, and some of those people are pirates. While you may be laughing at Coach Leach for his enthusiasm about pirates, somewhere a Somali pirate, whom the Coach emphatically does not endorse, is laughing at you. Keep this enthusiasm in mind, because if Coach Leach really wanted to discipline the player he would not have made him stand in a closet, something even the most sissified pirate would consider a joke. He would have keel-hauled him or made him walk the plank, probably preventing the player from ever complaining about another minor concussion. Right now, Osama and his advisers are probably sitting around the fire enjoying a goat while they laugh about how they now can just hit the Americans on the head, making them complain to their fathers, who will see that their leaders are fired.

We need more, not fewer, leaders like Coach Leach, men who are more like pirates than bureaucrats, men who aren't afraid to help mold the characters of their charges by giving them the occasional time out. How can they fire this man for acting more like SuperNanny than Captain Hook? He deserves a TV show, not a pink slip. He is a hero, and we would not enjoy the freedoms we do if men such as he, landlubbers as well as pirates, had not occasionally put others in the closet. Many of them should have stayed there, but that is another issue.

Arrrggghhh and Happy New Year mateys!